My Life As Of Now.

   This is my safe place. Where I can be myself and vent. I don't think anyone reads this but me, but I don't really write for anyone else but myself. 
   School is hard right now. Not just "oh I thought it would be so easy, why isn't it" hard but "oh my shit, I knew it would be hard but this isn't fair at all. I worked so hard to get here". 
   I feel as though everything I have worked toward in life is slowly falling apart. Learning disabilities are not easy to live with. Trying to overcome it has never been a cake walk, but I thought I was at least getting to the point where it was easier to deal with.
   TWC was meant to be an exciting, amazing, and wonderful new chapter in my life, but all it is doing is filling those pages with tears. I cry every other day in the girls bathroom. 
   I am failing. I have worked my ass off for the last two and a half years so I can come to this expensive school, which is an hour away from Knoxville to and from, so I can cry and fail. 
   I try to look for the positive but I am very angry and bitter. I feel like I am this huge joke someone is laughing about. Why is it that others can read a chapter in a book and hardly pay attention to it and get B's on an exam and I read the chapter from top to bottom and study every day and when I get my test scores back they are marked with an F or D. Why is that fair.
   I look around at all the students here and see them happy walking to and from classes together. I see them sitting at lunch together laughing and talking. Where am I? At a table all alone with no one to sit with. I have tried to sit with others, but I do not know anyone. You can see they are in no mood to make more friends, everyone here either went to high school together, or had classes last semester with one another. Or they room with each other or a friend of a friend.
   I want to be able to have some type of friendship with someone here but I feel like that will never happen. The girls here are very Mean Girl. 
   I have friends in Knoxville but it would help to have someone here. I am in freshman classes which does not allow me to meet anyone outside of the freshman swimming pool, which sucks.

   I hate it here.
   I am sick of crying over my grades.
   I am sick of sitting alone. 
   I am sick of the bitches that go here.
   I am sick of feeling stupid and dumb. 
   I am sick of feeling alone. 

   I am sick of this place period. 

Change

Lately:

                                         Veggies from the garden I've been working on.

   Yoga: need I say more??

     Healthy homemade smoothies.

Date night with Charlie.
Dates with friends.

 Dinner at home.

Pho with friends. So good!

Crocheting away with coffee near by.

Positive Thinking.

My life has been a big mixture of positive living, friends, family, life, love, work, and so much more. 
 The people I work with are kind and caring, always there to listen when you need to talk, and give you ideas on how to solve your problems, and I enjoy doing the same for them. 
Lately I have been focusing on replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. When you work in food you seem to meet people from all walks of life. They can be rude, hateful, mean, and a buzz kill. So with this I found a new way to deal with them. If I feel myself becoming upset I simply allow this feeling to come, but I take a deep breath in and let it out as slow as I can. Telling myself while I do this to let it go, I can only control myself and if I allow myself to become upset, I have allowed the person in front of me to win. 
Yoga has become a huge help, finding my center is important. Allowing yourself to become open and honest with how you are as a person. Accepting you are human, you mess up, you fail sometimes, you need help.
It bothers me when all I hear is complaining, I dislike hearing about how negative someones life is, I just want to say, "Honey, you can say all day long how your whole life sucks, but what are you doing about it? Are you pushing yourself to make it better? No, you are dwelling on it. Allow yourself to understand you cannot control everything in your life. But you have to try to look at the good in your life. You have a job. You have people around you that love you and care about you. You have a car. You have money in your pocket. A shirt on your back. Food in your stomach. BE POSITIVE! Own your own life!" Sorry, I just complained about complaining. :)
Work on your life by replacing every negative comment with two positive comments.
Say them in your head or out loud. 

So much has been happening where do I start.
I moved jobs, which is just lovely. A local business in Market Square, which is just amazing. I love everyone there, they are so warm and welcoming.
Also, my time at Roane State is nearing an end, which makes me excited and scared at the same time.
I got accepted to TWC, Tennessee Wesleyan College, in Athens, Tennessee. I will finish up my Special Education degree at the same College my mother graduated from. You have no idea how excited I am for this new chapter of my life!
Charlie and I still together, going strong and I love every minute of it. Our relationship is one I've always looked for. We are friends, always openly talking about things we love, dislike, movies, friends, family, and always finding ways to make each other laugh.
Finals are starting up soon, which I dislike greatly.
My new way of "being" I guess is what I will call it, is close to what Jesus talks about. Loving each other as I have loved you. I will take this and live by it, as best to my ability. Sometimes as the world gets crazier and crazier we seem to forget to love each other.
Well I will try to update this more but I just feel so busy or not up to writing... because I have to write papers  nonstop.

Life Right Now

Lately, life has been picking up speed but at the same time slowing down. It's so weird how fast time flies by in the blink of an eye.
 I've been trying to find that lovely balance between family, friends, boyfriend, work, school, and daily troubles that happen in life. It's a hard but yet wonderful balancing act. 

As of right now in my busy life I've found more time to crochet, which is so lovely. When school picks up speed I have less and less time to crochet, which is a horrible feeling to see your boxes of yarn and jar full of crocheting needles just sitting there day after day. But thankfully school has been slowing down a little and about to start back up after the Thanksgiving holiday. Which will be full of chapter exams, final projects, and two final exams.

So this post will be filled with crocheted projects I've been lucky enough to finish in the pass few weeks. :)

Billy the Kid in the making.

Meet Billy the Kid.
He's a hippo just wanting someone to love him.

This is what happens when I drink coffee to stay awake at work.
I end up staying awake until 3 in the morning crocheting this beauty.

R2D2 Coffee cozy.

My little brother (who isn't so little anymore) wanted a white one with red eyes.
And this is what you get... a scary but awesome looking animal.

Crocheting and Beer :) my kind of night.
I know I'm just way to crazy.

R2D2 again.. I just love him so much!

I hope everyone has a lovely holiday!
May it be full of happiness and please be careful! :)

21st Birthday Party and Weekend

Chalrie and I at Big Ed's Pizza

First Drink of the night :)
I had two :)
I had a two big exams the day after my birthday starting at 9:30am, so drinking it up on my birthday wouldn't have been a good idea. 

A view of my party, aka all my family members and all my close friends.

The next day on Nov. 8th. It was my good friend Brooke's 21st Birthday. We celebrated with her parents and brother :)

On Friday Charlie, Brooke, and I walked around downtown Knoxville had local food and sweets. 

That night around 9:30 or 10 I forget. We went behind the strip to The Carousal II, which is a drag show. It was amazing!!

The drinks of the night. Charlie, Brooke and I the only ones able to "drink" that night. The two that couldn't drink had water :)

Hal and I

Charlie really into his story

Miss Brooke and Miss Caitlyn

Brooke, Caitlyn, and I

The whole night was amazing! I enjoyed every minute spent with my girls, brother, and Charlie :)
I feel as though the older I get the less it seems like I should be the age I am. I still feel too young, but old at the same time. Weird, I know.

So much

I've had so much happen within a small amount of time. Right now I'm updating before my 9:30am class. My family always has a super busy November. At the start of the month it's like a huge ball rolling down hill. My parents celebrated 23 years married. My baby brother turned 14! Still can't believe it! I turned 21! And my best friend turned 21 the day after me.

So much has happened and it still feels like time hasn't passed at all. It doesn't feel like it should be November. Let alone that I'm 21 and next week is Thanksgiving.

We surprised my little brother telling him I had to work, but I picked up everyone and we all waited at BattleField of Knoxville(which is like laser tag but the guns are heavier and there isn't black lights everywhere). He had a blast! We all did!

Then for my birthday we all went out to a Mexican restaurant, which normally I would say where but being I got really sick of the food that night and two days following I will not. :/
Being that my birthday was in the middle of the week and I had two exams the very next day I didn't drink more than two drinks.
So that weekend my friends and younger brother (Hal) and my boyfriend went to a club. But not just any club a Drag Queen club :)
It was amazing! The only thing that sucked about the whole night is me unable to record my boyfriend being invited up on stage by a Queen and having a dance off with two other people! The Drag Queen loved his moves so much she started to dancing with Charlie (my boyfriend!!!) It was an amazing night filled with love and understanding of others! I really enjoyed it and we will all be going back for Caitlyn's 21st birthday for sure! I'll post pictures later!